Who's on First?
by Dragonflyr
Summary: When Hiei gets suckered into being the head of the sports department at Kurama's school, he soon finds out that just getting the player's names straight is more than he bargained for. Please R&R. reposted to fix grammar mistakes that were bugging me.
1. Who's on First?

Dragonflyr: I do not own any YYH characters or Abbott and Costello's "Who's on First?"  
  
Dragonflyr: Good, now that that's taken care of, on with the story!  
  
Hiei: Do I really have to do this?  
  
Dragonflyr: YES!  
  
Hiei: Make me!  
  
Dragonflyr: (throws--insert something big and heavy--at him)  
  
Hiei: OW! Why you...  
  
Dragonflyr: eep... Kurama, HHHHHEEEEELLLLLPPPPP!!!!!  
  
Kurama: Come on, lets just do it already. (grabs Hiei and drags him off with him)  
  
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Kurama: Alright, now what do you want?  
  
Hiei: HOW DID I END UP BEING THE STUPID HEAD OF THE STUPID SPORTS DEPARTMENT FOR YOUR STUPID SCHOOL ANYWAY???  
  
Kurama: I warned you not to stand around doing nothing In front of the gym teacher.  
  
Hiei: (gives Kurama a death stare) Alright, I guess I have to know the baka baseball players' names. Do you know any of their names?  
  
Kurama: Oh, sure.  
  
Hiei: So?! Go ahead and tell me their names! (muttering something inaudible under breath)  
  
Kurama: What was that?  
  
Hiei: Nothing. Just tell me their names already!  
  
Kurama: Well, I'll introduce you, but I should warn you.  
  
Hiei: Warn me about what?  
  
Kurama: Well, you know how sometimes nowadays they give ballplayers peculiar names?  
  
Hiei: Yeah, like what?  
  
Kurama: Well, like nicknames, petnames.  
  
Hiei: You mean like the way Yusuke calls Koenma Toddler?  
  
Kurama: Well, sort of.   
  
Hiei: (growing impatiant) Alright, alright already. The bakas have stupid names, just tell me what their names are already!  
  
Kurama: Now let's see. We have Who's on first, What's on second, and I Don't Know's on third.  
  
Hiei: That's what I want to find out! (more inaudible muttering)  
  
Kurama: I just told you. Who's on first, What's on second, and I Don't Know's on third.   
  
Hiei: Do you know the bakas' names?  
  
Kurama: Certainly!  
  
Hiei: Well then, who's on first?  
  
Kurama: Yes!  
  
Hiei: I mean the baka's name!  
  
Kurama: Who!  
  
Hiei: THE BAKA ON FIRST!!!  
  
Kurama: Who!  
  
Hiei: THE FIRST BASEMAN!!!  
  
Kurama: Who!  
  
Hiei: THE BAKA PLAYING FIRST!!!  
  
Kurama: Who is on first!  
  
Hiei: Now what the hell are you asking me for!?  
  
Kurama: I'm not asking. I'm telling you, Who is on first.   
  
Hiei: Well I'm asking YOU who's on first!  
  
Kurama: That's the man's name.  
  
Hiei: (suddenly calms down and gives Kurama a VERY confused look) That's who's name?  
  
Kurama: Yes.  
  
Hiei: Well, go ahead and tell me. (getting worked up again)  
  
Kurama: Who.  
  
Hiei: The guy on first.  
  
Kurama: Who!  
  
Hiei: THE FIRST BASEMAN!  
  
Kurama: Who is on first!   
  
Hiei: (silent for a moment trying to think of another, less confusing, way to ask his question) All the sports players have to sign a contract so the school's not responsible for injuries, right?  
  
Kurama: Yeah.  
  
Hiei: So, have you got a contract with the first baseman?  
  
Kurama: Absolutely.  
  
Hiei: Who signs the contract?  
  
Kurama: Well, naturally!  
  
Hiei: (sighs) All I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base.  
  
Kurama: Oh, no-wait a minute, don't switch them around. What is on second base.  
  
Hiei: I'm not asking you who's on second!  
  
Kurama: Who is on first.   
  
Hiei: I don't know!  
  
Kurama: He's on third-now we're not talking about him.  
  
Hiei: Now how did I get on third base?  
  
Kurama: You mentioned his name!  
  
Hiei: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?  
  
Kurama: No-Who is playing first.  
  
Hiei: Never mind first-I want to know what's the baka's name on third.  
  
Kurama: No-What's on second.  
  
Hiei: I'm not asking you who's on second!  
  
Kurama: Who's on first.  
  
Hiei: I don't know.  
  
Kurama: He's on third.  
  
Hiei: Aaah!!! Would you PLEASE stay on third base and don't get off it?!  
  
Kurama: What was it you wanted?  
  
Hiei: Now, who's playing third base?  
  
Kurama: Now why do you insist on putting Who on third base?  
  
Hiei: Why? Who am I putting over there?  
  
Kurama: Yes, but we don't want him there.  
  
Hiei: (takes a deep breath) What's the baka's name on third base?  
  
Kurama: What belongs on second.  
  
Hiei: I'm not asking you who's on second!  
  
Kurama: Who's on first.  
  
Hiei: I don't know!  
  
Hiei and Kurama: THIRD BASE!  
  
Hiei: Alright. Forget the infield! You got any outfielders?  
  
Kurama: Oh yes!  
  
Hiei: The left fielder's name?  
  
Kurama: Why.  
  
Hiei: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask you.  
  
Kurama: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.  
  
Hiei: Alright, then tell me who's playing left field.  
  
Kurama: Who is playing fir-  
  
Hiei: STAY OUT OF THE INFIELD!!! I want to know what's the left fielder's name.  
  
Kurama: What's on second.  
  
Hiei: I'm not asking you who's on second.  
  
Kurama: Who's on first.  
  
Hiei: I don't know.  
  
Hiei and Kurama: THIRD BASE!  
  
Hiei: The left fielder's name?  
  
Kurama: Why.  
  
Hiei: Because!  
  
Kurama: Oh, he's center field.   
  
Hiei: Look, you got a pitcher on this team?  
  
Kurama: Now wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher.  
  
Hiei: Good. The pitcher's name?  
  
Kurama: Tomorrow.  
  
Hiei: You don't want to tell me today?  
  
Kurama: I'm telling you right now.  
  
Hiei: Then go ahead.  
  
Kurama: Tomorrow.  
  
Hiei: (sighs again) What time?  
  
Kurama: What time what?  
  
Hiei: What time tomorrow are you going to tell me who's pitching?  
  
Kurama: Now listen. Who is not pitching. Who is on fir-  
  
Hiei: I'll break your arm if you say "who's on first!" I want to know what's the pitcher's name.  
  
Kurama: What's on second.  
  
Hiei: I don't know.   
  
Hiei and Kurama: THIRD BASE!!!  
  
Hiei: You got a catcher?  
  
Kurama: Oh, absolutely.  
  
Hiei: The catcher's name?  
  
Kurama: Today.  
  
Hiei: Today. And Tomarrow's pitching.  
  
Kurama: Now you've got it.  
  
Hiei: All we've got is a couple of days on the team.  
  
Kurama: Well, I can't help that.  
  
Hiei: Alright, lets see if I got this straight. Lets say I'm catching, god knows why.  
  
Kurama: Alright, go ahead.  
  
Hiei: So, I'm catching, Tomorrow's pitching, and their heavy hitter gets up.  
  
Kurama: Yes.  
  
Hiei: Tomorrow throw the ball. The batter bunts the ball. When he bunts, me being a good catcher, I want to throw the baka out on first. So, I pick up the ball and through it to who?  
  
Kurama: Now that's the first thing you've said right.  
  
Hiei: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!!  
  
Kurama: Well, that's all you have to do.  
  
Hiei: Is to throw the ball to first base?  
  
Kurama: Yes.   
  
Hiei: Now who's got it?  
  
Kurama: Naturally!  
  
Hiei: If I throw the ball to first base, somebody's got to catch it. Now who caught it?  
  
Kurama: Naturally!  
  
Hiei: Who caught it?  
  
Kurama: Naturally!  
  
Hiei: Who?  
  
Kurama: Naturally!  
  
Hiei: Naturally.  
  
Kurama: Yes.  
  
Hiei: So, I pick up the ball and throw it to Naturally.  
  
Kurama: No, No, No! You throw the ball to first and Who gets it.  
  
Hiei: Naturally.  
  
Kurama: That's right. There we go.  
  
Hiei: So, I pick up the ball and throw it to Naturally.  
  
Kurama: You don't!  
  
Hiei: I throw it to who?  
  
Kurama: Naturally.  
  
Hiei: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!!!  
  
Kurama: You're not saying it that way.  
  
Hiei: I said I throw the ball to Naturally.  
  
Kurama: You don't-you throw the ball to Who.  
  
Hiei: Naturally!  
  
Kurama: Well, say that!  
  
Hiei: THAT'S WHAT I AM SAYING!!! (takes a deep breath) Now, I throw the ball to who?  
  
Kurama: Naturally.  
  
Hiei: Now ask me.  
  
Kurama: You throw the ball to who?  
  
Hiei: Naturally.  
  
Kurama: That's it.  
  
Hiei: I'M ONLY SAYING THE SAME THING YOU ARE!!! I throw the ball to first and who gets it?  
  
Kurama: Naturally!  
  
Hiei: Who has it?  
  
Kurama: Naturally!  
  
Hiei: HE BETTER HAVE IT!!! I throw the ball to first base. WHOEVER the hell it is grabs the ball, so the baka runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What, What throws it to I Don't Know, I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow-triple play.  
  
Kurama: Yes.   
  
Hiei: Another baka gets up-it's a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know. He's on third and I don't give a damn!  
  
Kurama: What was that?  
  
Hiei: I said I don't give a damn!  
  
Kurama: Oh, that's our shortstop.  
  
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Dragonflyr (wipes away tear) Oh, that was too good.  
  
(Suddenly, a very pissed off Hiei comes in with his katana drawn)  
  
Hiei: Now I've got a migraine! You're going to pay for this!  
  
Dragonflyr: Kurama?  
  
Hiei: He won't save you this time.  
  
(Dragonflyr spots Kurama gagged and tied to a chair in the corner)  
  
Hiei: Now, who's on first?  
  
Dragonflyr: (backed up into the wall) I-I-I d-d-don't k-k-know.  
  
Hiei: Sorry, he's on third. (advanced with an evil grin and scary look in his eye)  
  
Dragonflyr: AAAAHHHH!!!!! SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!! 


	2. Who's Here?

Dragonflyr:(covered in bandages from Hiei's revenge) Look back to first chapter for disclaimer.  
  
Dragonflyr: Anyway, be warned, you gotta keep track of who's who or this could get confusing.  
  
Hiei: I wont do it! I wont do it again! Besides, didn't I punish you enough after the last chapter?  
  
Dragonflyr: Obviously not. And you will do it.  
  
Hiei: Why should I.  
  
Dragonflyr: Because I said so. And anyway, the more you aggravate me the more chapters I'll add to confuse you. So just be nice and maybe I'll let you off easy and end it here.  
  
Hiei: You wouldn't dare.  
  
Dragonflyr: Oh, but wouldn't I? Anyway it's time to start the fic, so get out there.  
  
Hiei: No.  
  
Dragonflyr: What do you mean "No?"  
  
Hiei: No means no! I've had enough!  
  
Dragonflyr: You'll have had enough when I say you have. No go!  
  
Hiei: No.  
  
Dragonflyr: (Innocent puppy dog eyes) Kurama, would you please...  
  
(Kurama drags Hiei off kicking and screaming)  
  
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(Baseball practice that night, after Hiei finally got the names down)  
  
Hiei: Alright you bakas, line up so I can take attendance.  
  
(Everyone lines up)  
  
Hiei: Now who's not here?  
  
Kurama: No, he's here.  
  
Hiei: Who is?  
  
Kurama: Exactly.  
  
Hiei: NOW DON'T START THAT AGAIN!!!  
  
Kurama: Start what?  
  
Hiei: That "Who" crap. Know who's not here?  
  
Kurama: No, he's here.  
  
Hiei: (takes deep breath and rubs his temples) Alright, fine. Let's try this a different way. I'll call your name and you yell "here," got it?  
  
(Players nod)  
  
Hiei: (holds up roster) Who.  
  
Who: Here.  
  
Hiei: Where? (trying to see which one is "Who" so he wont get confused anymore)  
  
What: He's gone.  
  
Hiei: Who is?  
  
Kurama: No, Who's here. Where's gone.  
  
Hiei: Who the hell is "Where?"  
  
Kurama: He's the right fielder.  
  
Hiei: Figures. (sigh) What.  
  
What: Here.  
  
Hiei: Where? (Once again trying to see the player)  
  
Kurama: You already called him, he's gone.  
  
Hiei: Who's gone?  
  
Kurama: No, who's here.  
  
Hiei: I know that! Who is not here?  
  
Kurama: Who is here!  
  
Hiei: That's what I'm trying to find out! If I knew that I wouldn't be trying to take the stupid attendance! Now tell me, who is missing?  
  
Kurama: For the third time, who isn't gone.  
  
Hiei: WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME?  
  
Kurama: I'm not asking you anything.  
  
Hiei: But you just said-Nevermind. Just NEVERMIND. I'll just start over. Who.  
  
Who: Here.  
  
Hiei: What.  
  
What: Here.  
  
Hiei: I Don't Know.   
  
I Don't Know: Here.  
  
Kurama: What don't you know?  
  
Hiei: What?  
  
What: Here.  
  
Kurama: You said "I don't know." What don't you know.  
  
Hiei: No, no. I was seeing who's here.  
  
Kurama: Well he is.  
  
Hiei: Who is?  
  
Kurama: Exactly.  
  
Hiei: What?  
  
What: Here.  
  
Hiei: SHUT UP!!! Forget calling names. Does anyone know who's not here?  
  
Who: I'm here.  
  
Hiei: No, I mean who is not here at practice.  
  
Who: I'M RIGHT HERE!  
  
Hiei: I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU!  
  
Who: THEN STOP SAYING MY NAME!  
  
Hiei: I'M NOT-Oh, screw it! Look, all I wont to know is if anyone knows someone that is not here.  
  
Today: Tomorrow's not here.  
  
Hiei: Well, no. Tomorrow isn't until tomorrow so it wouldn't be here.  
  
Today: No, Tomorrow isn't here.  
  
Hiei: I just told you! Tomorrow isn't here because that's not for another 24 hours. Today is here!  
  
Today: Well of course I'm here!  
  
Hiei: (growls in frustration) Kurama, do you see anyone not here?  
  
Kurama: Why.  
  
Hiei: Because I need to know who's here and who's not.  
  
Kurama: No, he's here.  
  
Hiei: Who is?  
  
Kurama: Exactly  
  
Hiei: (growls agian) Just please tell me nice and strait. IS. THERE. SOMEONE. NOT. HERE?  
  
Kurama: Yes, Why.  
  
Hiei: BECAUSE I NEED TO KNOW WHO'S HERE!!!  
  
Kurama: But who is-  
  
Hiei: Say "who is here" and I'll rip your tonsils out through your ear! Is there anyone else not here?  
  
Kurama: Where.  
  
Hiei: Here.  
  
Kurama: What?  
  
What: Here.  
  
Hiei: JUST TELL ME IF YOU KNOW ANYONE NOT HERE!  
  
Kurama: Why!  
  
Hiei: BECAUSE!  
  
Because: Here.  
  
Hiei: (growls and rubs temples again) Alright, let me see if I understand this. Who IS here.  
  
Kurama: Correct.  
  
Hiei: So are What, I Don't Know, Today and Because.  
  
Kurama: Right.  
  
Hiei: The ones missing are Where and Tomorrow. Why? Because!  
  
Kurama: No, that last one's here.  
  
Hiei: Who is?  
  
Kurama: Well yes, he's here too.  
  
Hiei: WHO IS?  
  
Kurama: I just told you, he's here but so is Because!  
  
Hiei: Because what?  
  
Kurama: No, he's here.  
  
Hiei: WHO IS?  
  
Kurama: NO, HE'S HERE!  
  
Hiei: OH, FORGET IT!!! Screw the attendance. I DON'T GIVE A DAMN!!!  
  
I Don't Give A Damn: Here.  
  
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Dragonflyr: That was even better than the last chapter!!!  
  
Hiei: (has a murderous look in his eye) You....I'll kill you for that!!!  
  
Dragonflyr: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! KURAMA!!!!! HHHHHHHEEEEEEELLLLLLPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!  
  
Kurama: Who needs help?  
  
Hiei: He doesn't, but she does. (closes in on Dragonflyr)  
  
(For those of you who are lost and confused, Who, What, I Don't Know,I Don't Give A Damn, Today and Because were here. Tomorrow, Where, and Why were gone.) 


	3. Who's Batting?

Dragonflyr: (covered in so many bandages you can only see her eyes) Disclaimer on first page.  
  
Dragonflyr: You, my faithful reviewers, requested another chapter, so here it is!  
  
Hiei: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Dragonflyr: YYYYYEEEEEESSSSSSS!!!!!!  
  
Hiei: (draws katana) This time I'll just do what I should have done in the first place and kill you now!  
  
Dragonflyr: With that?! You couldn't cut butter with that!  
  
Hiei: (looks down to find he is holing a rubber katana) What the... WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY KATANA!!!!!  
  
Dragonflyr: I hid it stupid!  
  
Hiei: GIVE IT BACK!!  
  
Dragonflyr: So you can cut me into a million tiny pieces? I don't think so!  
  
Hiei: Why you...  
  
Dragonflyr: (in sing-song voice) Oh, Kurama....  
  
(Kurama drags Hiei away as Hiei attempts to beat him with his rubber katana)  
  
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(20 minutes after the start of practice)  
  
Hiei: (Turns to Kurama) What do you do at baseball practice anyway?  
  
Kurama: Well, with your pitcher gone, you should probably work on batting.  
  
Hiei: Fine! What's the batting order?  
  
Kurama: Whatever you want it to be.  
  
Hiei: Great. (rolls eyes and turns to players who are still lined up) Alright, who wants to go first?  
  
Who: No, I don't.  
  
Hiei: What?  
  
What: I don't wont to go first either.  
  
Hiei: I wasn't talking to you.  
  
What: Then why did you say my name?  
  
Hiei: I didn't say your name.  
  
What: Yes you did.  
  
Hiei: No I didn't.  
  
What: Yes you did!  
  
Hiei: No I didn't!  
  
What: YES YOU DID!  
  
Hiei: NO I DIDN'T!  
  
Kurama: Enough! Just start again, Hiei.  
  
Hiei: (Gives Kurama his best death stare) FINE! Now, who wants to go first?  
  
Who: I already told you, I don't want to go first.  
  
Hiei: I didn't say you had to!  
  
Who: Yes you did!  
  
Hiei: When?  
  
Who: Just now, and I'm telling you, I don't want to go first!  
  
Hiei: BUT I-  
  
Kurama: Hiei, perhaps you should try this another way.  
  
Hiei: Fine! I'll "randomly" select someone to go first. (closes eyes and "randomly" points to a name on the roster) Why.  
  
Kurama: Why what?  
  
Hiei: No, Why.  
  
Kurama: Why what?  
  
Hiei: No, the player I chose!  
  
Kurama: Yes, and which one was it?  
  
Hiei: Why!  
  
Kurama: Well, we need to know which one you chose or we'll never get anything done.  
  
Hiei: Why!  
  
Kurama: Because-oh, Hiei, just tell us who you picked!  
  
Hiei: That's what I've been telling you!  
  
Kurama: Then who was it?  
  
Hiei: WHY!  
  
Kurama: I just told you why!  
  
Hiei: WHAT?! Oh, forget it! I'll just pick someone else!  
  
Kurama: Alright.  
  
Hiei: (Closes eyes and "randomly" selects another name) Today.  
  
Kurama: What's today?  
  
Hiei: No, Today!  
  
Kurama: Yes, what about today.  
  
Hiei: (trying hard to controll his frustration) Today is the day you die if you don't stop confusing me!  
  
Kurama: How am I confusing you?  
  
Hiei: I'M NOT SURE BUT YOU VERY GOOD AT IT!!!  
  
Kurama: Just tell us who you picked.  
  
Hiei: I already told you, Today!  
  
Kurama: No, you haven't told me anything today.  
  
Hiei: What?  
  
What: I already told you I-  
  
Hiei: DON'T SAY YOU DON'T WANT TO GO FIRST!!! I DIDN'T SAY YOU HAD TO!!!  
  
What: YES YOU DID!!!  
  
Hiei: (Draws katana) One more word and it'll be your last!  
  
What: Is that katana made out of rubber?  
  
Hiei: Damn Dragonflyr...  
  
Kurama: You still haven't told me who you picked.  
  
Hiei: YES I HAVE!!! I'VE SAID IT THREE TIMES ALREADY!!! I PICKED TODAY!!!  
  
Kurama: Well yes, this is today so you would have picked the name today. But I want to know which name you picked, not when you picked it.  
  
Hiei: BUT I ALREADY-Oh, maybe I should just pick another name.  
  
Kurama: Yes, third times the charm.  
  
Hiei: (Closes eyes and picks third name)  
  
Kurama: Who did you pick?  
  
Hiei: I Don't Give A Damn.  
  
Kurama: About what?  
  
Hiei: What are you talking about now?!  
  
Kurama: You don't give a damn about what?  
  
Hiei: What?  
  
What: Why don't you give a damn about me?  
  
Hiei: What, I didn't say that. I mean I don't give a damn about you, but I didn't say that.  
  
What: Yes you did! And you just said it again!   
  
Hiei: Well yeah, I said it now, but only because you asked, baka!  
  
What: Why are you so mean?!  
  
Hiei: WHY ARE YOU SO ANNOYING!!!  
  
What: I'M NOT ANNOYING!!!  
  
Hiei: YES YOU ARE!!! YOUR EVEN WORSE THAN KUWABAKA!!!  
  
What: I. AM. NOT. ANNOYING!!!  
  
Hiei: YES. YOU. ARE!!!  
  
Kurama: No he's not!!!  
  
Hiei: STAY OUT OF THIS, FOX!!! (turns back to What) AND YOU ARE TOO ANNOYING!!!  
  
What: AND YOU'RE MEAN!!! (runs away crying)  
  
Kurama: Now we're out a second baseman too. Who did you pick anyway?  
  
Hiei: I told you, I Don't Give A Damn.  
  
Kurama: Well, if you feel that way maybe you'd be better off leaving.  
  
Hiei: THANK YOU! I'D BE GLAD TO!!!  
  
Gym teacher: Where are you going!?!?  
  
Hiei: BACK OFF! I'VE HAD ENOUGH!  
  
Gym teacher: DON'T TALK TO ME THAT WAY YOUNG MAN! THE BASEBALL TEAM IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY!  
  
Hiei: Not anymore.  
  
Gym teacher: Talk back one more time and I'll have you doing 1,000 push-ups! (is spiting as he talks and foaming at the mouth) Now shouldn't you be doing drills or something!  
  
Kurama: We're practicing batting.  
  
Gym teacher: So which one of these maggots is up first?  
  
Hiei: FOR THE LAST TIME, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN!!!!  
  
Gym teacher: What did you say to me, boy?  
  
(Three hours later, in the rain)  
  
Hiei: (doing push-ups while Gym teacher watches with whip ready in hand) 956...957...958...  
  
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Dragonflyr: Ha, ha, ha!  
  
Hiei: I may not have my katana, but I can still beat the shit out of you!  
  
(takes one step toward Dragonflyr, steps in path of security laser, and has an anvil dropped on his head)  
  
Dragonflyr: Sorry Shorty, but I've learned my lesson. From now on, I'm taking extra precautions. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!  
  
Hiei: (in small voice) Somebody help me 


End file.
